Power

Time for an obtuse connection: between Nietzsche and Robert Moses.
This speech is standard, so I'll just blast through it.

First of all, the entire "Will to Power" that Nietzsche describes I
interpret as a will towards personal freedom. Indeed, he does say that
one aspect of power is taste and tasting: that is, I'm entitled to my
own opinions of things, and I'm entitled to try to experience the
things which I judge to be of good taste. Now what is this but
personal freedom? Many people think of Power in the Nietzschean sense
to be controlling others. Of course, if you know a bit about the
nature of society, you may realize that it's quite difficult to
control others. Sure, you can pay them to do something, but then
you're giving up quite a bit.

Furthermore, I've noticed that, in my life, whenever I judge something
to be good in the utmost sense, it's invariably something which leads
to more freedom for myself.

Good. We know this already. Perhaps someday I'll find the quotations
in Zarathustra which directly led me on this path of discovery. But
let's talk about power in the other sense: Robert Moses.

Now I can't claim to be an expert on the man, especially since thus
far I've only read 100 pages of the Power Broker. But the evidence of
his control is prevalent on Long Island, and particularly absent here
in New Jersey. The point is that to consolidate power all to himself,
Robert Moses made the accomodating the automobile top priority in New
York City public works. And in order to do so he designed Long Island
to be exactly the land that cars work best. So much so that life
without a car on Long Island is impossible. So this means fewer poor
people (or young people), and having to pay a toll in order to leave.
Furthermore, this system cannot be changed. Things are too spread out
on Long Island to introduce an efficient public transit system. And
they always will be.

So whenever I find myself driving on Long Island, especially during
rush hour, I find myself under Robert Moses' umbrella.

Now, I realize that I myself don't contribute much to the demand side
of the economy (and even less to the supply side!), and that most
likely my preference that stores etc. be located close together enough
that any mode of transportation, even walking, is feasible. Thus life
on Long Island isn't quite my type. But the fact of the matter is that
the style of Long Island commerce and therefore life has been
dictated. It's been chosen by someone in power.

People still choose to live there. First, for the jobs. Second because
they like it. Perhapsy they don't know of anything better (it is rare,
especially in this country (look to LA)). So I can't blame them. But
when I'm this young and don't have much decision-making power, all I
can do is feel the shadow of Robert Moses' umbrella.

Bodily Functions

When I got back from my soiree with Perez, I sent her the following IM:

so since I've been home I've urinated, shat, ejaculated, puked, spit, sweat, bled, blown my nose, picked my ears, taken lint out of my belly button, shaved, farted, and clipped my toenails

Of course Joe and I decided to update it to this effect:

so since I've been home I've urinated, ejaculated, pulled drugs out of my ass, shat drugs out of my ass, shat, farted, had anal sex, and hung out with Ian

She never got either IM, though, and never inquired as to what they were when I mentioned it to her. I took it as a sign.

The Philosophy

To discuss the philosophy would be a blatant and utter violation thereof.

This cute poetic sentence with oxymoronic undertones was fist put together by me and Joe back in the 6th grade. It wound up, of course, being much more true than most people guessed.

For one thing, although people laugh at me when I say that I'm writing my blog for no one, it is true: I'm writing this for NO ONE. No one will read this. Well, maybe someone (you) will stumble upon this someday, but it's not so much an up-to-date conversational exchange. Let me thus consider myself alone.

And now I'm free. I'm talking to myself. Everyone talks to himself. Oh wait, I can't know that. But I do and that's all that really matters. It's never really bothered me. I've never really thought I was crazy for it. Sometimes I feel like I'm practicing my accent or my acting skills, or my flirting skils, or yes, even my numchuck skills. My mouth isn't very far away from my brain. I've always maintained that as thoughts go, the only ones that go anywhere beyond instinct are ones you conceive of in language. So I'm thinking aloud.

Anyway-- all this is not my point. How about this for a source of freedom: take the initial sentence. What say you heard me say: My philosophy is not to talk to anybody about my philosophy. That's where the sentence comes from. But I've already broken it. But then, okay, let's just say that at any new point, I can reaffirm the philosophy. From now on I can tell no one. That's the point, in and of itself. Can I be alone? Can a philosophy be independent of all but one person: me?

I've thought about this question for years. And it seems with each passing year it becomes more and more relevent. I'm at a phase right now where I'm redoing my entire judgment system of the value of others. For some out there they're taking as given. Me, I'm more of a loner. I've always been lonely. So I need this philosophy. Here's what it boils down to: Am I the source of my own inspiration and curiosity and happiness, or is the fact that I'm always so lonely just mean that I'm a dismal person. See, I want the first. In a way, I can force the first to be true. But I need as an axiom the philosophy. The one in the title.